if I knew then

​I would have never let my walls down again. I wouldn’t have invited, I wouldn’t have agreed, I would have stood my ground.

If I had known then what I know now I would have continued moving forward, worried about the healing later, I would have avoided feeling the way I do now

I want to believe the kind and loving words you offered after slinking out like a coward, but we both know better.

So you win, for now. By the grace of the universe I will win in the end.

I feel a need to come here less and less

As time passes, and I’m learning to accept us for what we really were, I don’t feel the need to come here as much. 

Don’t feel the need to check my email as much. If anything ever does roll in there, it can wait till I see it. 

The more I accept that none of it, right down to the sweetest moments … were genuine. But man, did I want it to be…

Tonight I saw lightening flash

But it was not followed by thunder, after long moments of water dripping from the edge of the porch I heard a wee grumble far in the distance.

I can feel it in my bones, the change in the air and inside of me. Some glimmering flickering light, way down deep that takes my breath away and makes me set up straight all at the same time. 

And some days we are really close, like today, driving through a part of town that held so many memories of better days, the only place in the whole of this city only shared with memories of the two of us. The tears well up and I struggle to breath, I can’t break down, it hurts inside but I have to remain calm. They can see me. And as the first tear starts to slide from my eye someone in front slams on their breaks and I do to, and the rush of adrenaline clears the mist from my eyes, and I am moving on and forward again.

and most days are like that. The lightening flashing with a brief glimpse of us, followed by silence, and the low rumble of what we became far in the distance.

And tonight I realized this time was different. I still love you so much ya know, that vision of us growing old together that I had pictured in my mind. The one I didn’t realize until recently was so much different than the picture in your own.

And realistically I don’t know what that means for us, I don’t know if it means you are gone forever, if you will remain for them, if you will be gone for a long time and someday return.

and I don’t know what this means for me. If I will ever move on in my heart, if there will ever be room for another, or if I’ll settle into old age, primarily alone with grandchildren around me, drinking morning coffee with my books ans my art, wondering what it would be like if you were there.

all I know is that, I know it’s different. ….

In some ways, I owe you a Thank You

If this is how it was always going to be. The pain, or the abandonment. 

Then I’m glad you’ve chosen to lay the dynamite. 

I don’t agree that it’s how it had to be

but if it is, then it is…

I know why it’s so hard…

Because this is the last home we’ll ever share. That’s why it’s so hard so say goodbye. It’s closing the book, and I’m just not ready.

I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted you to stay. I wanted us to be important enough to you to do the work to stay, and not hurt us.

I have spent so many years proving I won’t leave, no matter the cost to me. For once, I wanted you to prove you loved us enough Justin. Enough to stay and do the work to be the man of this house, to protect us, care for us and keep us safe, instead of leave.

and It’s done, you made your choice, the same choice you made everytime. And so I have no choice but to believe you. We aren’t your priority - we never were, and we’ve run out of usefulness to you.

I don’t want to move, move on, because I’m not ready…

But much like everything else in our life…. I don’t have much choice.

One day I hope to understand what the last decade of my life was. There were lies from beginning to end. I hope to understand why you picked me, played me, hurt me, and abandoned me. And why you waited until now to do that.

because it wasn’t love. Love couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with it. Unless, it was how I loved you…

Someday…

You know, someday, I’m going to look back at this and understand why it had to be this way. That’s how it always works out. 

I’m going to understand why you hurt me the way you did. Mentally, emotionally, even physically. I’m going to understand why I let you, there is a lesson to be learned here and I will learn it, I usually do.

Maybe it’s that there is no type, there is no sign of who’s going to be your dream, and your nightmare. There is no prescription of qualities that will ensure this guy, is different. That when he struggles, this guy, will handle his business like a man, instead of handling you. 

Or maybe, it’s that love isn’t meant for me in this lifetime, but when it does come, it will be just as magical, and a bit less painful.

Maybe it’s that I need to learn there truly is no one else like me, who will put in all O do, and that I need to consider putting in a bit less….

I don’t know what it is yet, but one  day I will, then I can move forward. Move on.

You know, it isn’t all sadness

There are moments like right now, where it feels okay. Where it feels like it will BE okay… 

And there are moments of real bonding with me and all the kids. There is laughter and debate. There is never ending love, affection. 

And there is sadness, because I wanted so badly for you to be part of it all. It feels like something is missing all the time. But, I’m learning to accept that wasn’t how it really was, or ever could be. We never really did just have peace did we? It was either really really good like cloud nine fireworks and magic, or really really bad. Anxiety, fear, stress, hopelessness. 

It never just was, and I’m learning to accept that. It shouldn’t be that much work to love and be loved.