I feel a need to come here less and less

As time passes, and I’m learning to accept us for what we really were, I don’t feel the need to come here as much. 

Don’t feel the need to check my email as much. If anything ever does roll in there, it can wait till I see it. 

The more I accept that none of it, right down to the sweetest moments … were genuine. But man, did I want it to be…

Tonight I saw lightening flash

But it was not followed by thunder, after long moments of water dripping from the edge of the porch I heard a wee grumble far in the distance.

I can feel it in my bones, the change in the air and inside of me. Some glimmering flickering light, way down deep that takes my breath away and makes me set up straight all at the same time. 

And some days we are really close, like today, driving through a part of town that held so many memories of better days, the only place in the whole of this city only shared with memories of the two of us. The tears well up and I struggle to breath, I can’t break down, it hurts inside but I have to remain calm. They can see me. And as the first tear starts to slide from my eye someone in front slams on their breaks and I do to, and the rush of adrenaline clears the mist from my eyes, and I am moving on and forward again.

and most days are like that. The lightening flashing with a brief glimpse of us, followed by silence, and the low rumble of what we became far in the distance.

And tonight I realized this time was different. I still love you so much ya know, that vision of us growing old together that I had pictured in my mind. The one I didn’t realize until recently was so much different than the picture in your own.

And realistically I don’t know what that means for us, I don’t know if it means you are gone forever, if you will remain for them, if you will be gone for a long time and someday return.

and I don’t know what this means for me. If I will ever move on in my heart, if there will ever be room for another, or if I’ll settle into old age, primarily alone with grandchildren around me, drinking morning coffee with my books ans my art, wondering what it would be like if you were there.

all I know is that, I know it’s different. ….