In some ways, I owe you a Thank You

If this is how it was always going to be. The pain, or the abandonment. 

Then I’m glad you’ve chosen to lay the dynamite. 

I don’t agree that it’s how it had to be

but if it is, then it is…

I know why it’s so hard…

Because this is the last home we’ll ever share. That’s why it’s so hard so say goodbye. It’s closing the book, and I’m just not ready.

I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted you to stay. I wanted us to be important enough to you to do the work to stay, and not hurt us.

I have spent so many years proving I won’t leave, no matter the cost to me. For once, I wanted you to prove you loved us enough Justin. Enough to stay and do the work to be the man of this house, to protect us, care for us and keep us safe, instead of leave.

and It’s done, you made your choice, the same choice you made everytime. And so I have no choice but to believe you. We aren’t your priority - we never were, and we’ve run out of usefulness to you.

I don’t want to move, move on, because I’m not ready…

But much like everything else in our life…. I don’t have much choice.

One day I hope to understand what the last decade of my life was. There were lies from beginning to end. I hope to understand why you picked me, played me, hurt me, and abandoned me. And why you waited until now to do that.

because it wasn’t love. Love couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with it. Unless, it was how I loved you…

Someday…

You know, someday, I’m going to look back at this and understand why it had to be this way. That’s how it always works out. 

I’m going to understand why you hurt me the way you did. Mentally, emotionally, even physically. I’m going to understand why I let you, there is a lesson to be learned here and I will learn it, I usually do.

Maybe it’s that there is no type, there is no sign of who’s going to be your dream, and your nightmare. There is no prescription of qualities that will ensure this guy, is different. That when he struggles, this guy, will handle his business like a man, instead of handling you. 

Or maybe, it’s that love isn’t meant for me in this lifetime, but when it does come, it will be just as magical, and a bit less painful.

Maybe it’s that I need to learn there truly is no one else like me, who will put in all O do, and that I need to consider putting in a bit less….

I don’t know what it is yet, but one  day I will, then I can move forward. Move on.

You know, it isn’t all sadness

There are moments like right now, where it feels okay. Where it feels like it will BE okay… 

And there are moments of real bonding with me and all the kids. There is laughter and debate. There is never ending love, affection. 

And there is sadness, because I wanted so badly for you to be part of it all. It feels like something is missing all the time. But, I’m learning to accept that wasn’t how it really was, or ever could be. We never really did just have peace did we? It was either really really good like cloud nine fireworks and magic, or really really bad. Anxiety, fear, stress, hopelessness. 

It never just was, and I’m learning to accept that. It shouldn’t be that much work to love and be loved. 

it doesn’t seem right

It doesn’t seem right that my choices are a life of fear, or sadness. It doesn’t seem right that after everything, this is my prize. 

All the love, support, encouragement. The forgiveness, the looking the other way, the standing by your side even as the cracks started appearing.

The hope …

my prize, is to cry daily. From the pain that comes from knowing it was never going to be the daydream you built up in my head, you weren’t ever going to be my Prince Charming, my hero.

Because if you were, if there were ever any desire, anywhere in you, to be those things for me. You would have stayed. You would have done the counseling and anger management. You would have shown me we were you’re #1 priority the way you had stated, just 24 hours before.

You always told me a man will do anything, will turn himself inside out for a woman he truly loves… and so I cry daily, for the pain that shoots through my chest everytime I realize what that means about what the last nine years of both our lives means and meant to you. 

It hurts, so bad. I have to catch my breath, take a walk sometimes, go find a corner to just let it out. 

It just hurts so much, I just want it gone, I just don’t want to care, I don’t want to feel anything about it. I want to accept the truth and the reality, and move forward from here knowing it was all a lie, from the first breath to the last tears, nothing more than sand castles built in low tide….