it doesn’t seem right

It doesn’t seem right that my choices are a life of fear, or sadness. It doesn’t seem right that after everything, this is my prize. 

All the love, support, encouragement. The forgiveness, the looking the other way, the standing by your side even as the cracks started appearing.

The hope …

my prize, is to cry daily. From the pain that comes from knowing it was never going to be the daydream you built up in my head, you weren’t ever going to be my Prince Charming, my hero.

Because if you were, if there were ever any desire, anywhere in you, to be those things for me. You would have stayed. You would have done the counseling and anger management. You would have shown me we were you’re #1 priority the way you had stated, just 24 hours before.

You always told me a man will do anything, will turn himself inside out for a woman he truly loves… and so I cry daily, for the pain that shoots through my chest everytime I realize what that means about what the last nine years of both our lives means and meant to you. 

It hurts, so bad. I have to catch my breath, take a walk sometimes, go find a corner to just let it out. 

It just hurts so much, I just want it gone, I just don’t want to care, I don’t want to feel anything about it. I want to accept the truth and the reality, and move forward from here knowing it was all a lie, from the first breath to the last tears, nothing more than sand castles built in low tide….