Someday…

You know, someday, I’m going to look back at this and understand why it had to be this way. That’s how it always works out. 

I’m going to understand why you hurt me the way you did. Mentally, emotionally, even physically. I’m going to understand why I let you, there is a lesson to be learned here and I will learn it, I usually do.

Maybe it’s that there is no type, there is no sign of who’s going to be your dream, and your nightmare. There is no prescription of qualities that will ensure this guy, is different. That when he struggles, this guy, will handle his business like a man, instead of handling you. 

Or maybe, it’s that love isn’t meant for me in this lifetime, but when it does come, it will be just as magical, and a bit less painful.

Maybe it’s that I need to learn there truly is no one else like me, who will put in all O do, and that I need to consider putting in a bit less….

I don’t know what it is yet, but one  day I will, then I can move forward. Move on.

You know, it isn’t all sadness

There are moments like right now, where it feels okay. Where it feels like it will BE okay… 

And there are moments of real bonding with me and all the kids. There is laughter and debate. There is never ending love, affection. 

And there is sadness, because I wanted so badly for you to be part of it all. It feels like something is missing all the time. But, I’m learning to accept that wasn’t how it really was, or ever could be. We never really did just have peace did we? It was either really really good like cloud nine fireworks and magic, or really really bad. Anxiety, fear, stress, hopelessness. 

It never just was, and I’m learning to accept that. It shouldn’t be that much work to love and be loved. 

it doesn’t seem right

It doesn’t seem right that my choices are a life of fear, or sadness. It doesn’t seem right that after everything, this is my prize. 

All the love, support, encouragement. The forgiveness, the looking the other way, the standing by your side even as the cracks started appearing.

The hope …

my prize, is to cry daily. From the pain that comes from knowing it was never going to be the daydream you built up in my head, you weren’t ever going to be my Prince Charming, my hero.

Because if you were, if there were ever any desire, anywhere in you, to be those things for me. You would have stayed. You would have done the counseling and anger management. You would have shown me we were you’re #1 priority the way you had stated, just 24 hours before.

You always told me a man will do anything, will turn himself inside out for a woman he truly loves… and so I cry daily, for the pain that shoots through my chest everytime I realize what that means about what the last nine years of both our lives means and meant to you. 

It hurts, so bad. I have to catch my breath, take a walk sometimes, go find a corner to just let it out. 

It just hurts so much, I just want it gone, I just don’t want to care, I don’t want to feel anything about it. I want to accept the truth and the reality, and move forward from here knowing it was all a lie, from the first breath to the last tears, nothing more than sand castles built in low tide….

Happiness Challenge, Day 17 and 18

Wow, this is a tough one, maybe I shouldn't have been so lazy yesterday and actually written on my blog instead of postponing it.

What inspires me ... There are many things honestly.

The farmers that go out at 6 in the morning these days, on their tractors preparing the harder than normal soil of this area for this years crops.

The amazing amounts of boundless energy some of my mom friends have, I can only hope to be as awesome as they are at this parenting thing one day.

My son, and how despite the fact that we can't understand him half the time, he soldiers through and still manages to express his thoughts and feelings to us in one way or another, and he still manages to love us all to pieces all the same.

My sister, she decided she knew what she wanted for her life and is mustering through every challenge life throws in front of her to get to it.

Humanity.... and how no matter how bad it is, and no matter how much proof life shows us publicly of the disarray we have become, it always throws the other side in your face, everyday, to keep you looking forward for the better day.

hmmmmmm this is a toughie - but I'd have to say Vanilla - because you can mix it with any Jame, Frosting, Syrup and make it into anything you want :D

Day 16!!! March Happiness Challenge!!!

This is a tough one because there really are so very many ...

Aside from spawning days though ... I'd have to say the happiest and proudest day of my life happened in a McDonalds ... It was the day I signed the paperwork for my house. And met one of the most awesome women I will ever have the pleasure of knowing.

Day 15 March Happiness Challenge!!

Day 14 - March Happiness Challenge

Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants. 
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"? 
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me. 
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.


(If you knew how long it took me to find this so I wouldn't have to type it all out, you would be impressed with my dedication ... seriously.)