if I knew then

​I would have never let my walls down again. I wouldn’t have invited, I wouldn’t have agreed, I would have stood my ground.

If I had known then what I know now I would have continued moving forward, worried about the healing later, I would have avoided feeling the way I do now

I want to believe the kind and loving words you offered after slinking out like a coward, but we both know better.

So you win, for now. By the grace of the universe I will win in the end.

I feel a need to come here less and less

As time passes, and I’m learning to accept us for what we really were, I don’t feel the need to come here as much. 

Don’t feel the need to check my email as much. If anything ever does roll in there, it can wait till I see it. 

The more I accept that none of it, right down to the sweetest moments … were genuine. But man, did I want it to be…

Tonight I saw lightening flash

But it was not followed by thunder, after long moments of water dripping from the edge of the porch I heard a wee grumble far in the distance.

I can feel it in my bones, the change in the air and inside of me. Some glimmering flickering light, way down deep that takes my breath away and makes me set up straight all at the same time. 

And some days we are really close, like today, driving through a part of town that held so many memories of better days, the only place in the whole of this city only shared with memories of the two of us. The tears well up and I struggle to breath, I can’t break down, it hurts inside but I have to remain calm. They can see me. And as the first tear starts to slide from my eye someone in front slams on their breaks and I do to, and the rush of adrenaline clears the mist from my eyes, and I am moving on and forward again.

and most days are like that. The lightening flashing with a brief glimpse of us, followed by silence, and the low rumble of what we became far in the distance.

And tonight I realized this time was different. I still love you so much ya know, that vision of us growing old together that I had pictured in my mind. The one I didn’t realize until recently was so much different than the picture in your own.

And realistically I don’t know what that means for us, I don’t know if it means you are gone forever, if you will remain for them, if you will be gone for a long time and someday return.

and I don’t know what this means for me. If I will ever move on in my heart, if there will ever be room for another, or if I’ll settle into old age, primarily alone with grandchildren around me, drinking morning coffee with my books ans my art, wondering what it would be like if you were there.

all I know is that, I know it’s different. ….

In some ways, I owe you a Thank You

If this is how it was always going to be. The pain, or the abandonment. 

Then I’m glad you’ve chosen to lay the dynamite. 

I don’t agree that it’s how it had to be

but if it is, then it is…

I know why it’s so hard…

Because this is the last home we’ll ever share. That’s why it’s so hard so say goodbye. It’s closing the book, and I’m just not ready.

I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted you to stay. I wanted us to be important enough to you to do the work to stay, and not hurt us.

I have spent so many years proving I won’t leave, no matter the cost to me. For once, I wanted you to prove you loved us enough Justin. Enough to stay and do the work to be the man of this house, to protect us, care for us and keep us safe, instead of leave.

and It’s done, you made your choice, the same choice you made everytime. And so I have no choice but to believe you. We aren’t your priority - we never were, and we’ve run out of usefulness to you.

I don’t want to move, move on, because I’m not ready…

But much like everything else in our life…. I don’t have much choice.

One day I hope to understand what the last decade of my life was. There were lies from beginning to end. I hope to understand why you picked me, played me, hurt me, and abandoned me. And why you waited until now to do that.

because it wasn’t love. Love couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with it. Unless, it was how I loved you…

Someday…

You know, someday, I’m going to look back at this and understand why it had to be this way. That’s how it always works out. 

I’m going to understand why you hurt me the way you did. Mentally, emotionally, even physically. I’m going to understand why I let you, there is a lesson to be learned here and I will learn it, I usually do.

Maybe it’s that there is no type, there is no sign of who’s going to be your dream, and your nightmare. There is no prescription of qualities that will ensure this guy, is different. That when he struggles, this guy, will handle his business like a man, instead of handling you. 

Or maybe, it’s that love isn’t meant for me in this lifetime, but when it does come, it will be just as magical, and a bit less painful.

Maybe it’s that I need to learn there truly is no one else like me, who will put in all O do, and that I need to consider putting in a bit less….

I don’t know what it is yet, but one  day I will, then I can move forward. Move on.

You know, it isn’t all sadness

There are moments like right now, where it feels okay. Where it feels like it will BE okay… 

And there are moments of real bonding with me and all the kids. There is laughter and debate. There is never ending love, affection. 

And there is sadness, because I wanted so badly for you to be part of it all. It feels like something is missing all the time. But, I’m learning to accept that wasn’t how it really was, or ever could be. We never really did just have peace did we? It was either really really good like cloud nine fireworks and magic, or really really bad. Anxiety, fear, stress, hopelessness. 

It never just was, and I’m learning to accept that. It shouldn’t be that much work to love and be loved. 

it doesn’t seem right

It doesn’t seem right that my choices are a life of fear, or sadness. It doesn’t seem right that after everything, this is my prize. 

All the love, support, encouragement. The forgiveness, the looking the other way, the standing by your side even as the cracks started appearing.

The hope …

my prize, is to cry daily. From the pain that comes from knowing it was never going to be the daydream you built up in my head, you weren’t ever going to be my Prince Charming, my hero.

Because if you were, if there were ever any desire, anywhere in you, to be those things for me. You would have stayed. You would have done the counseling and anger management. You would have shown me we were you’re #1 priority the way you had stated, just 24 hours before.

You always told me a man will do anything, will turn himself inside out for a woman he truly loves… and so I cry daily, for the pain that shoots through my chest everytime I realize what that means about what the last nine years of both our lives means and meant to you. 

It hurts, so bad. I have to catch my breath, take a walk sometimes, go find a corner to just let it out. 

It just hurts so much, I just want it gone, I just don’t want to care, I don’t want to feel anything about it. I want to accept the truth and the reality, and move forward from here knowing it was all a lie, from the first breath to the last tears, nothing more than sand castles built in low tide….

Happiness Challenge, Day 17 and 18

Wow, this is a tough one, maybe I shouldn't have been so lazy yesterday and actually written on my blog instead of postponing it.

What inspires me ... There are many things honestly.

The farmers that go out at 6 in the morning these days, on their tractors preparing the harder than normal soil of this area for this years crops.

The amazing amounts of boundless energy some of my mom friends have, I can only hope to be as awesome as they are at this parenting thing one day.

My son, and how despite the fact that we can't understand him half the time, he soldiers through and still manages to express his thoughts and feelings to us in one way or another, and he still manages to love us all to pieces all the same.

My sister, she decided she knew what she wanted for her life and is mustering through every challenge life throws in front of her to get to it.

Humanity.... and how no matter how bad it is, and no matter how much proof life shows us publicly of the disarray we have become, it always throws the other side in your face, everyday, to keep you looking forward for the better day.

hmmmmmm this is a toughie - but I'd have to say Vanilla - because you can mix it with any Jame, Frosting, Syrup and make it into anything you want :D

Day 16!!! March Happiness Challenge!!!

This is a tough one because there really are so very many ...

Aside from spawning days though ... I'd have to say the happiest and proudest day of my life happened in a McDonalds ... It was the day I signed the paperwork for my house. And met one of the most awesome women I will ever have the pleasure of knowing.

Day 15 March Happiness Challenge!!

Day 14 - March Happiness Challenge

Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants. 
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"? 
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me. 
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.


(If you knew how long it took me to find this so I wouldn't have to type it all out, you would be impressed with my dedication ... seriously.)

Happiness Challenge Day 13

Day 12 ... Happiness Challenge

Happiness Challenge Day 11

Those who know me know that my son has Autism. This can make life a bit challenging sometimes, but it also makes all those little things in life so joyful and such a blessing. The moment in my life most recently that made me the happiest, grinning EAR TO EAR ... was the first time my baby said bye and waived.

Seem trivial right? Well my son was two and a half before he did this. He ran up to me and gave me a big kiss on the thigh, lifted his hand up to me and said "Byyee mom mom" and I smiled and teared up a bit, and admittedly bounced up and down and did a little dance. This was the first time my little had ever put two consecutive words together to make a sentence as well.

Still brings a tear of joy to my eye...

Happiness Challenge Days 5 - 10

Wellllllllll So much for getting into the habit of writing a blog daily. Busy life - phooey! But here is my catch up and I PROMISE to be better about it this week ... as well as I will have some awesome product reviews coming - some LOOOOOOOOONG overdue, and others just stuff I happen to like.

So without further ado ....

As odd as this will sound - or maybe cliche perhaps - EVERY SINGLE TIME I need a pick me up I listen to "Raise Your Glass" ~ P!NK. Just give me the happies ~ and I don't even drink ..lol

Uncle Kracker - Smile lyrics

 Send "Smile" Ringtone to your Cell 

You´re better then the best
I´m lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip side of my pillow that´s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Lets me know that it´s ok
Yeah it´s ok
And the moments when my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you´re gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Don´t know how I lived without you
'Cuz every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall outta bed
Sing like bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
Oh, you make me smile
Oh, you make me smile 

                                                                             

Ironic because this also happens to be one of my favorite songs :)

www.cracked.com

Happiness Challenge - Day 4

Okay so I'm a few days late on the game here, but I'm jumping in anyway because:

A) It will get me in the habit of blogging daily

         And

B) It's an awesome idea!

This picture brings me joy every-time I see it. It took my son a long time to show personal expressions, meaning they were facial expressions of what HE was feeling versus copying what everyone around him was doing/feeling.

This picture was taken by my friend, Susan who is also a photog. She captured his expression - which anyone who has seen my pictures knows is hard to do :)

Waste Not - Want Not 2012

So lately I have been watching my ever growing makeup collection take over my room like a mysterious growth. Like any proud hoarder or addict I have bits and bobbles stashed in various bags all over the place. Shadows I rarely reach for but have yet to throw away, new shipments of loose pigments coming every week when I havn't put a dent in the ones I have. Eyeshadow palettes that I literally LUSTED over that still have the protective plastic and have never been touched.

Soooo - I decided it was time to have a Waste Not, Want Not party. Years ago before I became all cra cra about makeup I used to do this with Shoes and Clothes, so it should work pretty smoothly. AND I have the assistance of a couple awesome friends that will be participating with me.

Here are my rules:

1.) Before purchasing ANYMORE makeup indie or otherwise - I have to use EVERYTHING in my collection at least once. I have TONS - literally TONS of loose shadows, bases, primers, blushes, lipsticks and lipglosses. (This does not include limited edition collections from indie companies)

2.) I have to use/dispose of EVERY Perfume sample I have - before purchasing new ones. I don't count full bottles in this - but unless I have thrown it away, or used it completely as a sample - I cannot purchase new ones (this does no include travel sized body sprays either) I have about 20 of those bad boys to work through (samples)

3.) Bath and Body. - Aside from Shampoo I cannot purchase ANY MORE bath products FOR ME until I have used at LEAST half of my current collection. I have to have completely used anything that is not a trial sized item.

How I plan to accomplish this is simple. Unless I have a special occasion I will set limits for what I am using on a regular basis. I know that part of the reason I have bath stuff laying around going to waste is because I wasn't as impressed with them as I imagined I was - so I will use those first.

WEEK 1 GOALS:

1) do at least a basic makeup everyday (and use different colors/products each time)
2) Use B&BW Exotic Coconut exclusivley (even though it smells kinda like burnt rubber - well not THAT bad but still - not pleasant)
3) Use a polish I have not yet worn

Pictures and Doc will be attatched later!

This starts tomorrow - Sunday 02/26/2012 - The reason I'll be posting a document and photos is so you all can "keep me honest" so to speak :) and can follow along with my progress so you know it can be done!!!

~Vada~

P.S. Anyone who would like to join feel free to comment below and add your progress as well as we go along :)

Dawn Eyes Cosmetics

Hi Guys!!!

I have been working diligently to get some good photos for review blogs, and that old mother nature seems determined to keep me down!!!

Don't believe me? In the TWO HOURS it took me to get these shots, the clouds covered up mr. sun about 1.5 of them ;)

Okay so on to the fun stuff - Dawn Eyes Cosmetics!!!

I - am - a - shadow - hooker. I AM - I own far more shadow than one person could wear in one year and I keep telling myself ENOUGH!! But it never seems to work out that way ... I blame the toddler ... I do ...

So this is one of the many companies I have been eyeballing for sometime and it just so happens they had a HUGE sale the EXACT SAME WEEK I got my tax return, which - was not a good thing. I have this steadfast rule that I DON'T buy full sizes of shadows from the net without having bought samples first. This is for several obvious reasons:

1) I wanna know the quality of the shadows before I invest a lot of money into them.
2) My monitor obviously sucks because things never look the same once they get here
3) I don't have the money nor storage to waste on a bunch of stuff I'll NEVER USE.

That being said Dawn Eyes had a fantastic 50% off sale when they hit their subscriber goal on their facebook page - and remember my tax return was in - so I broke my own rule.

While I did buy samples I also bought 4 full size shadows and I was NOT disappointed. I love all of the colors I got! So lets start this thing!!!

Packaging 4/5 
The shadows are packaged in clear jars - there are no branding labels on the top, instead the company, shade name and ingredients list are on a sticker on the bottom. They do come in a gorgeous organza bag as well as being packaged in a zip-lock bag. However one of the sifters on one of the shadows was not seated tightly, causing the cap to be mis-screwed and product to escape into the packaging - meaning everything was covered in blue/gold dust. So I had to subtract a point .... here is a photo of the packaging.

PIGMENTATION 5/5
A little goes a LONG way with these babies. Application was smooth and not powdery and it only took one swipe to get this color pay off - My favorite of all of them I received is the Gold Gilded Blue - and you can see why in the swatches.

Top - Treasure Chest - Gold Gilded Blue x2
Middle - Gold Gilded Blue x2, Peacock Teal
Bottom - House Vernius

Color Selection: 5/5

As I mentioned I loved every color I got! Even the samples. I find that Dawn Eyes Cosmetics offers a wide variety of unique and complex shades. They are obviously custom made by the creator and have several special effects such as colors that change with pressure, lighting, and bases.

Customer Service/Shipping: 5/5
While it did take a while to get the order, it was forewarned by the shop owner ahead of time that TAT would be longer than normal due to the sale. Shipping was extremely reasonable and was delivered in a regular mailer that was reinforced by card board which was a nice touch.

An aside but definitely a plus - the shop owner Dawn noticed that a couple of the samples I ordered were not listed at the 50% off sale price and promptly refunded me the extra funds I had paid when entering my shipping tracker number. I would have never caught that and been none the wiser so I was very impressed with her honesty!

And Finally A Look!!!!

In conclusion - I would absolutely purchase from Dawn Eyes Cosmetics again!! I love the quality and service provided by Dawn and I would love to try some of the other Chrome Collection colors. I see more full sizes in my future!

Have you ever shopped with them?? What were your experiences?

Change is inevitable

Originally this blog was going to be sort of a catch all. Recently some things in my life have changed that have brought about a need to seperate the blogs. From  this point forward this will be a purely fun beauty related blog, and my daily blog will be hosted elsewhere (will include at the end of this update for any interested) Meanwhile stay tuned as I have lots of exciting things planned for the upcoming months.

Some overdue Sinful colors reviews. Some palette reviews I have been putting off, as well as the new My Glam Bag Debut review :)

As always
~V